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Monday, September 18, 2006

Citizen IMterviews with Paperslut

Hello and welcome to the first of our Citizen IMterviews. For those who don't know what I'm talking about (which basically means all of you), Citizen IMterviews is an in-depth conversation with the proletariat on Rock music and how it changes lives and make parents wonder why their children refuse to use protection.

To kick things off, we have today, Nikolai. Nikolai has been listening to Rock music since the cautious age of 21. He thinks it rocks. We found him scrummaging the shelves of Planet M looking for old Queen CDs.


Paperslut says:
Hello Nikolai. Please introduce yourself to our adoring fans and the other two guys who also read this blog.

Nikolai says:
Do you want the long version or the short version? Long one costs extra...

Paperslut says:
We'll stick to the short one please. Our readers have the attention span of orangutans with hand guns.

Nikolai says:
Well, I'm 18 till I die kinda person, 'cept I hate Bryan Adams... Apart from that, just the usual run-of-the-mill useless person...

Paperslut says:
Okay, then would I be correct in saying that you are aware of Rock music and what it does to children with much time?

Nikolai says:
Yes, rock music makes children better people, more successful druggies, more frequent wankers and more likely to walk in on their parents doing it...

Paperslut says:
Fine, fine. I see you're drinking some spiked Pennyroyal Tea. So tell us Nikolai, how does one become a Rock musician?

Nikolai says:
Well, if I knew how.... wouldn't I become one? Is that the answer we rehearsed? No? Is the correct answer option (b)?

Paperslut says:
Yes, you were supposed to say they do drugs and steal guitars from unsuspecting blind people. Idiot. Okay, next question. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say "Backstreet Boys are gay but they slept with my girlfriend. And her mother"?

Nikolai says:
That your girlfriend and her mother are ACTUALLY your boyfriend and his father... Listen man, having boobs doesnt make you female. I seen some guys with some really huge... #$#@$

Paperslut says:
Hmmm. I thought we agreed not to discuss our private lives here Nikki. Humph. Next question. Who is the better singer - Mr.Khandwala your chemistry professor, or Bono?

Nikolai says:
Um, I would give it to Mr. Khandwala, he tends to show a lot of skin... Unlike Bono who's just covering it ALL up. Now if you said Beyonce or Mr Khandwala, boy I'd be in a pickle!

Paperslut says:
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nikolai says:
2 kilos

Paperslut says:
How many albums will the Rolling Stones make in the next five years, and what shaving cream does Mick Jagger use?

Nikolai says:
Um the answer to your first two questions is
a) Rolling Stones dont make albums! They roll and produce mass destruction of public property, like Godzilla! Except they dont lay eggs... I think
b) Mick Jagger doesn't use shaving cream, he uses K-Y Jelly.... he's figured that he gets so much action, he'd better be lubed up and ready at all times! Plus it keeps his skin baby smooth!

Paperslut says:
Okay then Mister Smartyfarts, answer me this. Who really wrote the song Smells Like Teen Spirit?

Nikolai says:
It was written by a man who was tired of answering his wife's constant queries of where he'd been and why he smelt like how he did and what it was. So he just wrote a song which involved a lot of shouting and mindless lyrics. On second thoughts, the butler wrote it. Not just any butler... THE butler

Paperslut says:
Thank you for your time Nikolai. It has been an absolute pain continuing this conversation and it has ensured that even that guy who visited our blog to seem 'cool ' won't. Do you have any message for our readers?

Nikolai says:
Yes - "Only when alone, you're allowed to moan", the more mature of your readers will get the point...


We hope you are better people.